If you hate me after all I say...

Isolation.
Fear.
Sadness.
Dejection.
Rejection.
Anticipation.
Hope.
Nervousness.
Longing.

I’m trying to get my feelings out. But I don’t even know what I’m feeling.
I just feel kind of empty. Well, not really. I’m full of chocolate biscuits and tea. But emotionally it’s like a vacuum.

Why do I always mess things up for myself? I get my heart set on things, be they academic, jobs or even relationships. Then I do one of three things: I run, I sabotage or I decide I “don’t want it anymore” (rubbish).

Is it because when I do go for something, let myself be vulnerable and wear my heart on my sleeve, lay down my emotions - no holds barred - it usually goes wrong and I feel even worse than I did before? Is it because I’m a coward? So scared of rejection or failure that I never fulfil my potential? Or is it simply because I’m a lazy cow?

I don’t know what’s worse: wanting what you can’t (and possibly shouldn’t) have or not knowing what you want at all.

Hello again!

I am a young adult. I’m 20. Have been for a couple of months now. I’m no longer a teenager. Adolescence has passed me by. Actually, it’s flown by. And I can’t help but look back over the past decade and look at how things have changed. 

My course (Childhood and You: Theory and Practice - I’ll explain what it entails in a bit) has taught me a lot more about myself than I thought it would. The most striking thing I have learnt has been that all these terms thrown at us - toddler, child, pre-teen, teenager, adolescent, young adult - they’re all social constructs that actually mean naff-all. Try to define them. I dare you. When do you stop being a teenager? Is it when you stop putting “teen” at the end of your age? By that logic, the day I turned 20 I stopped being a teenager and miraculously turned into an adult. Technically, in the eyes of the law I became an adult the day I turned 18. But what is associated with adulthood? Maturity, sensibility, RESPONSIBILITY. 

I’m stuck at that weird, in between bit. On one hand, yes, I do feel a lot more grownup than I did this time last year. I feel I’d have been able to deal much better with some of the things that happened over the course of 2012 now, such as a relationship. And I often kick myself and think “why didn’t you do this instead of that?! Why did you deal with your insecurities better?!” and wish that I had matured more quickly. But the truth is transitions all happen at specific times and that’s just something we all have to deal with. That doesn’t mean to say my regrets have magically disappeared. But it’s another lesson I guess. 

On the other hand I still feel so child-like in many ways. Like I’m not ready to deal with the responsibilities than come with being a grown-up. And it’s really frustrating! Because I want to be. I want to be able to handle anything life throws at me on my own, without having to run back to Mum. I guess I’ll just have to pull my socks up and just d e a l w i t h i t. 

Anyway, not sure why I wrote this. I left my diary at uni so apparently Tumblr is the next best thing, ha.